Doubles to celebrate the Winter Olympics 2002 Salt Lake City, USA A complete report by Glen Chapman

And what a bunch of sissies, they even had to wear padding to do that. Interviewed during the ceremony was Australia's Rugby captain George Gregan. "At first we thought they wanted a game. A few of the guys got edgy, wanted to join the ruck on that stand thingy they built.

Australian Prime Minister, John Howard was also critical. "How insensitive of the Americans. Here we are - total fire ban, half the country looks like a B-B-Q pit, and they go lighting fires." Other Australian sources were concerned that over three hundred volunteer bush fire brigades attempted to respond to this latest out break.

Australian mega star, Russel Crowe also cast doubts on the opening. "Can you spell Nikki Webster," he yelled as a young boy skated frantically between sheets of toilet paper, seeming to re-enact the invention of the sewage system in Salt Lake city.

The Australian team, either frozen to death, or thinking their lack of competitiveness could be a problem, refused to drawn on the controversy. Their manager Chips Raferty, was heard to mumble something, but it was lost under the 108 jumps, 63 scarfs, and twelve bar heaters he was wearing at the time.

"Oh my god, what is this stuff" Australia's Ian Thorpe, competing on the first day was concerned about all the white stuff that seemed to be lying around. "That can not be health," he added as he adjusted his swim suit and goggles. Perhaps better prepared, or just understanding what was really happening, Italy's Paolo (Tomba) Morini completed the course in a slow time of 5h 13m with a -12.56 deduction for ringing his wife mid race. Earning him the Kappa Leporis Silver medal for his country. "If I'd just made a little more of that seperation of 2.1' I might have been able to split the mags of  4.46 and 6.65" he said.

America earned it's first Gold medal of the games at the "Eridanus centre." Mary Flanigan was unstoppable with combined scores of 5.98 and 6.07 with the judges awarding a bonus of 9.3" For a split performed halfway through the routine. A breathless Mary interviewed after the performance explained. "All I did was keep my eye on the primary's  gold. I knew the cool blue of the secondary would look after itself." The commentator was later seen walking around wondering what the hell she was talking about.

Later in the day America extracted revenge over Australia for their dismal performance in the pool during 2000, when rising star Patrick Anway destroyed his Australian opponent in the Struve 900. "I don't know what happened, said Patrick. One minute he was right beside me, then.well he was just gone. We made it through the first checkpoint at  2.8, then he fell back to 7.3. I was feeling pretty good when the numbers 4.7 5.2 and 6.1 came up on the board. A brief search involving the CIA, FBI, NCA National Guard and president Bush's dog, found the waylaid Australian in a bar sipping a rum toddy near the fire-place. When asked, all he could mumble was. "What's all that white stuff, what's all that white stuff." Team doctors are confident he will respond to treatment and be able to return to normal life
in a year or two.

Glen Chapman